Plans, Crohns and Faith Restored

Hi All,


The end of the year draws ever nearer. And so too, come the decision part: what do I do next year? 


At the moment, Crohn's is still playing havoc: I am constantly trying to balance myself on the knife edge between rushing to the hospital at all hours and normal living. My body (once the only thing I had control over) has decided to run on it's timer. And I am so, so frightened of the timer clicking over with terrible results. 


The surgery that was supposed to be so successful, hasn't really proved to be so. In the year since surgery, my stomach is still having what I describe as pins and needles, and I have this tightness sensation/tenderness at the surgery site. Now, I understand it's part of the surgery, but it is definitely getting worse, not better. Combine this with the nausea, the runs, an elevated inflammation level (blood test) and a dull ache type sensation at the actual resection site and I am a concerned woman! I just hope I get into see the specialist soon! My joints are getting incredibly stiff, swollen and sore as well (particularly my knees). I know I sound slightly well paranoid, and that I am reading into things, but they are what they are. I am just trying to keep ahead of it, but I don't know how long I can keep it up for - my body can only take so much.


Next year, I am still planning on babysitting one day a week (maybe increasing more when the Miss Moo's new brother is born). I am also the PR officer for a local sports club so I will be planning to spend a lot of time on improving their image etc. As for what else? Right now, I am not sure: I feel busy enough that's for sure! 


I realised the other day how fullfilled I am when I have Miss Moo (and Miss D, her cousin, whom I have from time to time). Like that's the thing that I ought to be doing: it completes me. The uni, whatever else I have tried, pales by comparison. It is a completely joyous feeling. I don't feel "used" the way I was in the past with the 3: I am paid, and respected for my work. I am not paid a lot, but that doesn't bother me: I just really appreciate the respect and not being expected to do extra: that whatever else I do on top is something special etc. And in turn, it makes me step up to the plate more and bring more to the "job". Not that I consider it a job: it is a delight. Miss Moo and her family have restored my faith and confidence: in others and in my ability to take care of other's children. Which is huge!  






Jo

I Proudly Call Myself a Homeschool Dropout

Hi All,

The Botkins have recently released a video preview and series of articles on the phenomenon of homeschool dropouts. (Articles, Video). Now as a former homeschooler, I was very interested in seeing the other perspective on this phenomenon: even though I could have guessed at their perspective.

According to them, 80% of homeschooled children will not home school and many of them lose the faith. Not once, in any of the articles etc do they consider that there may some very good, legitimate reasons, for not continuing in that path. In fact, they prefer to take the moral high road and downright blame this generation for their failings in not continuing the homeschooling/descipleship model. They write:

It’s been exciting to watch the homeschool “movement” grow up. The firstfruits of this effort are adults now, and we have a sizable army of exemplary and remarkable young leaders. The greatest, most successful young men and women coming out of this movement have this in common: Like the good stewards in the parable of the talents, they made good use of the advantages their parents gave them, and gave a tenfold return on their parents’ investment. They stood on their parents’ shoulders to go even further, learning from their mistakes, and being grateful for their sacrifice.

But not all of us have been good stewards of the home education experience. Our family has had the privilege of knowing homeschoolers from all over the world, and have noticed three common weaknesses of homeschooled youth:

• We sometimes use the advantages our parents gave us as an excuse to become spoiled and complacent
• We dwell on the disadvantages we may have had in our particular families
• And then, worst of all, when we arrive at adulthood still acting like children, we blame our parents

Thanks to these three tendencies, there is a new stereotype of the homeschooled adult: Passive, undisciplined, frumpy, fearful, and directionless, content to merely exist in the comfort of his childhood bubble world, never looking beyond self or comfort to disciple and serve others.

That is a guilt trip and a half: not only for the parents but for the children. And they continue to state that regardless of your personal issues with how you were brought up that you ought to continue in the faith and stay true to the principles (ie, homeschooling). What blatant disregard for the 2nd (and 1st) generation stories that are flooding out in huge numbers, discrediting the movement, and many instances telling of abuses that are horrific. The homeschooled children that are leaving are being good stewards of their education: they are learning what not to do from it.

I believe (in my circles, at least) that the 80% figure may even be on the low side...I would split it up like so (and this is being generous with the retention rate):

• 40% retain some form of moderate Christian faith
• 95% do not home school
• 5% retain fundamentalism/homeschooling

And one further point: I know no 2nd generation children that are 'lazy': in fact I believe the ones that fought to leave are more incredible, strong, and powerful people than the Botkin sisters can ever imagine being, hiding as they do behind their judgements and moral sensibilities.I proudly call myself a homeschooling dropout, and am proud to be one of a generation whom is putting the policies of homeschooling and fundamentalism behind them.

Jo

Botkin Sisters Continued.

Hi All,


Finally finished the Botkin sisters blog. (ugh; I should know better!). They are around my age....oh lordy 

Why are they so, so anti college (university (uni) as it is known here in Aus)? When they have so clearly never been? I understand that they believe that uni is encouraging family breakdown and young people leaving Christ. I can only talk from personal experience and say that for me, it allowed me the chance to explore others thoughts/beliefs etc in a completely different context. And yes, I ended up changing many of them, from my stance on gay rights (thanks to my awesome friend Chris whom I met at uni), to my stance on sex before marriage (thanks to my now hubby  ): but I think it wasn't just uni that allowed me to do that: it was mostly due to me leaving home! I also learnt a lot of other interesting information which has nothing to do with religion. Sure, I made some mistakes along the way (anyone would coming from one extreme to the other!), but least I can say I had fun and tried things!

I hate that whenever they talk about marriage they refer to it as a transfer of authority between father and husband. I can't imagine my marriage (and prior that, our de facto relationship) being grounded on those precepts. I often joke that I am the Queen Bee, and outsiders to our marriage often consider our relationship that way: but the facts are, in the privacy of our own home we are both such strong, independent people that it all levels out in the end. I have always had my own identity (it used to drive my mother crazy when she was trying to "train" it!!) and I have kept, married or not!

Having now read their entire blog from pretty much beginning to end I think that:

They spend far too much time trying to persuade the reader that their life is perfect: that they have never questioned, even for a moment, their life choices. Nor, apparently, have they questioned the lack of choices offered to them from a young age. I know how hard it is to go against the grain of everything you have been taught since you can remember, but good god! Everyone I know from that life ended up questioning stuff: some left, some stayed, but all questioned.

As to the worship/adoration of their father/brothers/husbands/etc which they hold up as the example that all others should follow in their male relationships. All I can say is that they are encouraging and giving the paedophiles in the movement full and free permission to do what they will: and giving their victims no voice: which really angers me: and frightens me most of all.

And you know what makes me most sad about their advice? They have no idea, really: their experience of the world (at 20 and 22 respectively) has been narrowed to what their parents permit them to experience. So to judge something which they have never experienced bugs me: big time. 

But moving on!!!! 

Jo

I WILL NOT BE KEPT QUIET!

Hi All,


Welcome to rant land! Just read something that bugs me so much, I must share. I recognise that some of you may not agree with me, but it needs to be said.


Today I was directed (via another site, FreeJinger) to this site: Visionary Daughters , ran by Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin. They have similar beliefs that I had at a younger age: very fundamentalist etc. And they are in absolute worship of their father. Nothing wrong with either of those things, even though for me, they express it in a way that I find sickly sweet and excessive: but I freely admit that those opinions are biased and are formed from my past and history. 


It did take me aback when they expressed the following opinion: 

Now, a strong mother and father who realize the importance of their relationship will be quick to let us know when we’ve gotten out of line. And, when they do, our response should be brokenness and repentance. “But what if I was just trying to help my father, and by doing so, better learn how to help my future spouse?” You know what will really help you serve our future spouse? Observing the union of your parents; they are as one, not to be divided by our overzealous efforts to help dad (or, in other ways: by us making snide remarks about one parent to the other, or running to one parent when another says or does something we don’t like, to name a couple of examples).

(Emphasis mine)

This is coming from two women whose opinion I probably would have looked up to had I found their writings/blog whilst I was still in that world: even as I read it now (with my current belief system or lack thereof), I found their style of writing extremely well written, persuasive and thought provoking.  In the context of my situation (a sexually abusive father) this advice would have devastated me - and virtually given me no opportunity to speak up. I would have felt more guilty about coming forward: this whole piece enforces and reiterates the fear of family breakdown (I now prefer the term family break up) that so many of the girls in this movement (including myself) have been given over the years. It makes me monumentally angry that this advice could be, will be, read by other girls that are in the situation that I was, and because of it, will make a different choice...a choice that will have serious, long term repercussions. I am not saying that my decision didn't have repercussions: trust me it did and not all of them were good. But if I hadn't exposed the truth and just kept praying about it and pushing the "incidents" into the back of my mind, the facts are that my father would have gone on to molest more children: and hurt many, many more people... AND I WILL NOT BE KEPT QUIET ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR TRUTH!

Anna Sofia and Elizabeth Botkin: please consider this next time you send out your advice to thousands of young girls that read and trust your words: that your advice may be ok and healthy in your own family: but in others, you may be prolonging a woman/young girls pain and abuse. And that is not fair and not right: and above all, it is cruel. 


Jo

Stolen Moments

Photography records the gamut of feelings written on the human face, the beauty of the earth and skies that man has inherited, and the wealth and confusion man has created. It is a major force in explaining man to man.

Edward Steichen

Of late, a favourite passion of mine is photography: and the editing of photos. Particularly, I am interested in how a simple tint or editing technique can change everything about photograph.

Above all, I find taking pictures of children a true delight. I love the "plucking out" of moments in their life. I love catching the briefest smile, movement before they move and take off again. And the parents like it too.

In the next couple of months I plan on doing a maternity shoot for a friend. She is a lovely woman with a great many talents and I think she will look fabulous. I have a few months to consider where I am going to do it: at this stage I have no idea, so if you live in the area, I would love a few ideas.

Now, for obvious reasons, I don't wish to publish the children's faces in such a public medium. But, I am going to publish some in which their identities are not evident, and some of my extended family. If you have my facebook, there are more detailed photos there, and you are more than welcome to check it out. :-)

Jo

Thoughts on the Duggar's News

Hi All,

I just thought I would start this entry by giving everyone prior warning that this post will be critical and some of you may not appreciate my point of view. I recognise this, but I will put it out there regardless, because I think it needs to be said.

Recently the Duggars have announced the impending arrival of number 19....wow :-O. I have discussed previously my thoughts on the Duggars, but after this latest announcement I feel compelled to speak up again, just as others have (NLQ).

Now I have expressed my strong opinions on this family time and time again. However, I would to reiterate what I have said in the past.

On the surface, I do not have a problem with large families, providing it is the parent's alone decision. In other words, as long as they not doing to fulfill a god's plan for their life etc, etc - rather, it is a choice of their behalf, and if issues were to arise they would be able to stop without feeling guilt etc....

The Duggars have no concept of this. Michelle Duggar has been recorded as explicitly saying that children are like flowers and that you can never have enough.

Now I adore children and I do agree that they are beautiful things deserving of the right to be here. But I also think they deserve the right to be children: a right denied to them in supersize families such as these. Girls in paticular lose out in this no win situation as they are often (but I must stress, not always) pushed into being mini-mothers before they are ready: mostly because often the real mum in all this is always pregnant/nursing etc, and/or there are simply far too many children for a sole person to handle.

Now a word to Michelle: if every child is so precious (and I am not saying that they are not to you), why aren't you every child's sole "buddy": it is part and parcel of the choice that you (and your husband) felt led/compelled to make, in having this many children. Your girls have had no choice in the matter, and yet they are still expected to help care/feed/clothe the others in a buddy system which confounds me. Fair? I think not. It makes your life easier, not theirs.

I wish Michelle that you could see the impact of having such a large family is having on your daughters: that you could recognise that you are not allowing your daughters the choice that you yourself made (in becoming quiverfull/fundamentalist) and are not giving them the experiences you seemingly experienced as a positive force as a child/teen (cheerleading etc). I wish most of all you could see into the future 10, 20 years and see the way your children turn out.....

I could tell you what it is like leaving fundamentalism (without having the added burden of having a large number of brothers and sisters) and the impact it has....but right now, the truth is that you wouldn't believe me....But let me tell you this: I know many, many 2nd generation quiverfull/fundamentalists and so many have had bad experiences and carry that burden around with them. Please, I beg of you, keep my family's (and others) experiences in your mind as you move forward. Remember the lost ones, whom now swirl in a sea of madness that the legalistic elements in your religion has created.

Jo

I'm Back! :-)

Hello all! Welcome back to the world of Jo: a world I have missed sharing with you all. The internet gods finally took pity on me and gave me the internets back :P.

So what has been happening? A great many things: some happy, some sad, some that we could say could have been better. But all has its place in my life.

Crohn's is still playing havoc. There are days when all I want is to be 'normal', whatever that might be: but for me, at least in terms of my health, it seems a very far away possibility.

One piece of good news is that I am still married, to a man with many failings but whose understanding of my idiosyncrasies allows me to overlook these (rofl). Honestly but, marriage is no different to living together really (contrary to what others tried to tell us): it is steady, reliable, and on the whole, makes me happy.

After the last attempts at babysitting, I really truly believed that I was done: no more other people's children. Ahhh how wrong was I! I am now babysitting a gorgeous 2 yr old one day a week...whom shall henceforth be known as Miss Moo on this blog. She is funny, intelligent, creative, musically talented and loves to dance. She lights up my world, and gives me something to look forward to and plan for every week. My house is again a home where the laughter of children ring out. And oh! How I do love it, even though I still feel the ache in my heart when she leaves and my home is silent and empty once more. There are no babies on the horizon, though I wish it otherwise. Sadly, babies do not grow on wish trees, because if they did I (and many others) would have a million or more by now.

I promise I will sit down and continue my update tomorrow.

Much Love,

Jo

Weddings & Disease

Hi All,

Sorry about the long break, but life has been a little crazy of late.

First up, the bad news: Crohn's is back.....fan-f**king-tastic. got rushed to the hospital, had a million and one tests, and got lumped with the news that it's back, barely 10 months after operation. I had hoped for at least two years, but that is the way it goes. It reminds me yet again that this is something that I will have (on and off) for life: that is unpredicatable, and painful :-O. And I am back on Pentasa, but refused predisone (the effects were too bad last time). I need to have some life, and so far Pentasa alone is helping...but we will see.

Went to my cousins wedding it was fantastic....a beautiful, well put together, artful thing... Well done, Belinda and Scott.

Ahhh well....better run....still have no internet at home, so am using the library as am alternative :-)... Next week or two we should have internet again.

Love,
Jo

Meeting the Past: In Words and in Person

Hi All,

Just thought I would let you all know I have officially created my first guest post titled "Musings from the Edge: A Mother and Daughter’s Journey from Fundamentalism to Freedom". My mother and I joined forces...and so it proved quite an interesting (and powerful) experience. Thankyou Vyckie for allowing my mother and I the privilege of doing so.

Interestingly enough, at the same time as my mother's and I's little testimony was going 'virtual', I ran into a girl: that homeschooled using ACE (Australian Christian Education, I do believe: we never personally used it, but I did know people that did growing up). And I picked her out of the crowd at a bus stop of all places. Long hair (that was gorgeous, but had plenty of split ends and needed a cut), long skirt, and utter naivety. I went over to her and vaguely referenced homeschooling/Christianity/Laura Ingalls ( in pretty much ever single homeschooling family that I know (including my own) Laura Ingalls was their version of Harry Potter for girls!) , until she confirmed what I had already summarised: That she had been homeschooled, was one of 13, and etc, etc. I was quite upfront that I had left the movement myself, at which point she just became a touch aloof: but I persisted and was quite friendly and referred yet again to 'things' that the movement was into and we did have an interesting chat. But yet it was clear that she really didn't have much contact with outsiders like myself.

I found the experience utterly bewildering on so many levels. This was my first time talking to a young person around my age still in the movement: and her perspective in life was so much more cloistered than my own. I referenced Twilight (I wasn't really aware of their standing on the books, but I should have guessed), and she looked like I had mentioned the devil!

I kept thinking the whole conversation that girl could have been me, ever so easily with only a few small changes to both my personality and life's story. Would I swap with her: would I change anything about my life? Err no. Regardless of how "messy" my life is, I have choices: I can read, watch and do whatever I want. And that to me is precious, ever so precious.

But regardless, we have ran into each other a few days later and had yet another chat. Because I met her twice (which really doesn't happen all that often here in Rocky) I said to Karen (my counsellor), maybe she was placed in my path of a reason: perhaps so I can show her a different route. Or perhaps so I can share her perspective on this blog and others like it. Not that I condone that lifestyle on the whole, but yet it would be interesting to compare her life to mine (on so many levels!)....She is barely a year younger than me, and we grew up in a similar culture, but the outcomes are so very different! I guess if I ever run into her again, I will take it as a sign from fate that I am at least to approach her with the idea.

Jo

Aromatherapy, Autism and Marriage.

Hi All,

Firstly I would to say to the justice system: you really have no idea. My mother needs and deserves a DVO...get a grip.

I have been doing a lot of reading of late. Fascinating, interesting books. Books to extend my knowledge of life, of the world.

This particularly hit me: (my aha moment as Oprah would say):

We think sometimes love can move mountains and I suppose it can sometimes.
But love is not effective against those truly without souls, the deeply damaged, the corrupted. It is naive and dangerous to think so. So anyone who
tries to rescue through marriage those who are beyond rescue has jumped in
the beast's cage and can't be surprised when he or she becomes lunch....

The question, the big question is why so many otherwise sane souls marry
with such an unerring eye for disaster? There is of course the rescue in
which we think we will find ourselves in reclaiming someone else. We think
the hard drinker, the angry man or woman will melt in our arms and become
transformed by our goodness. Behind that delusion lies another: we may really believe that only a damaged person whom we will serve dutifully would
have us.

Married: Anne Roiphe

Not that I necessarily think that this relates to my own marriage per se (even though I am sure certain parts of that perspective do: but I think that goes for any relationship), but I do think it sums up my parents marriage rather well.

I have also have read Jenny McCarthy's book : "Mother Warriors": a book about autism, it's links to vaccines and avenues for recovery...interesting and something I will research further.

Coincidentally, today I had my first aromatherapy/massage session. The therapist, Pauline, proved to be fascinating woman: whom as soon as I mentioned my autoimmune disease (Crohn's Disease) brought up autism (she has a son with it) in regards to our future children. I in turn pulled out "Mother Warriors" and said: yes, I know: (Mother Warriors mentions the collation between the two: a family history of auto immune disease and vaccines are often two factors present in kids with autism). And she gave me some really lovely oils that I can use at home. Yummy :-). But regardless, it was just lovely and relaxing.

Jo