Thanks for the tip Meke!! The pills went alright and they did their job but they left me feeling "down" and very lethargic. Which is a really bad thing for me....So I have only taken them once: and I think I'll just stick to taking them when i really can't sleep!
My cousin died yesturday...he was only 21. He was in a car crash: they think fatigue was involved. Apparently he went straight through a brick wall...ouch!! The sad thing was I didn't ever really talk to him! He was a real "hippy" and very sensitive, from what I know and have seen of him. I feel really bad, cause I never took the time to get to know him! It kinda hits home that we could all die at any minute...I don't know: I have never really thought about it. And after Marcus, it made me really think: what would happen if I died? To the people I left behind particularly...I am not too worried about myself. I'm pretty sure as to where I am going: hopefully to heaven :P...But then one cannot always dictate to God!!
I guess what also makes me upset is the fact I feel so removed from the situation. I did cry a little bit...but it was more because of the shock then anything else. But I really don't "feel" anything...and that makes me annoyed: he was my COUSIN!! I am supposed to...all I feel is worry for my aunt and G'ma in particular....after all G'ma only lost G'pa last year...and all the stuff with dad happened last year....
ummm...It seems to me that every year since I turned 18 someone in my family has died...ummmm
But then God never gives you anything that he doesn't think you can handle. Even though at times I have questioned that...He really hasn't ever...I have always managed to cope. Barely, at times, but I have...this is just another bump in the road!
I hope when my time comes God says to me "Welcome my good and faithful servant, who didn't follow the rest but followed me in her own way". Because i think when push comes to shove, God would much rather someone who is far from perfect and truly believes in His existance than a self rightous hypocrite who focused on the "right thing" and "theology". What matters is WHAT you believe not HOW you believe or express that belief. And plus if Heaven was full of self rightous people don't you think it would be terribly boring? I sure wouldn't want to be there and I dont think God would either...God doesn't strike me as boring! But in having said all that, I could be entirely wrong, which is very likely...sigh!! But if i am , I am: so be it.