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Jan 16, 2008

Hell Yes, Jessica

This is Jessica's victim impact statement: she was raped....

My name is Jessica. I once knew what that meant. Now all I can tell you is that I am still Jessica, however this no longer holds any meaning to me. I have lost my identity in the cruellest of ways.

I was a 23-year-old single mother, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, partner, friend and confidant to many people. I was strong, independent and willing to make an effort. I was attempting to hold down a second job to make a better life for my child and a better person out of me. I was destroyed.

I as raped. Not once, not twice but so many times and in so many ways that it all becomes a blur. These images haunt my days, my nights, my dreams and my realities. I am no longer the person I was before. I was once the person that people could rely on. Now I am a shell of my former self, a speck of the brave person that was Jessica. I had my way of life, my self-esteem, my respect and my dignity stripped from me in the most terrifying of situations.

My trust in people is all but destroyed. I even have trouble enjoying a quiet drink with my partner, family or friends without feeling anxious and wary. I am constantly looking over my shoulder fearing there is someone there who wants to hurt me. This is only the beginning. I fluctuate from extreme insomnia to extreme fatigue. My motivation is gone. My joy of motherhood is waning. My ability to love and care for others is disappearing. My trust in the justice system is all but gone. I feel like I tried so hard and was beaten down. I feel weak and vulnerable.

I suffered physical trauma to my shoulder, knees and feet from being dragged along carpet. I suffered cuts and bruising to my genitals from continuous rapes. I suffered marks to my ankles and wrists from being bound and I lost chunks of hair from being gagged with tape around my head. I thought I was going to die. I take medication to sleep, to relax and to stay relatively sane. I live as a corpse with no visible future to aim for. I have cut myself several times to try and take away the pain in my heart. I don't have the strength to end my own life.

What I experienced was like looking into the eyes of Satan himself. I am not a religious person but I know that I have seen the very depths of hell.

I wish that my loved ones didn't know what happened to me. To see the horror in their eyes and feel the pain in their hearts is unbearable. My beautiful daughter doesn't know the beginning of what I suffered but she suffered too. She feels like she was abandoned by her mother and required counselling.

The trauma happened to my partner. I can see it in the way he looks at me. Our communication, love, sex and friendship is going to take a long time to repair. He has been so deeply affected by my experience but I can't help him and he can't help me. Nobody can.

I was burgled at work on my third day of my second job. I was bound and gagged. I was abducted. I was lied to. I was confused. I was cold and alone. I WAS RAPED. This man, who does not deserve a name, hurt me in the most unimaginable of ways. Yes I survived. Yes I am alive, I just don't live. I am existing. I am empty.

To put a dollar amount on my experience is impossible but the financial loss incurred is quite substantial and makes day to day living that much harder. I have a car loan at 29 per cent interest over 5 years from

GE Capital Finance which I have been paying for over four years. This means I have paid around $12,000 on a car that I can longer drive because the memories it brings up are too painful. I also lost clothes which were either destroyed or sent to forensics. These were about $300. I have lost earnings into the thousands as Workcover only caters for a percentage of my wages. The cost of replacing my life is priceless.

I am a real person who went through torture. I am not a statistic or a nameless face on the street. I am your mother, your sister, your daughter and your friend. What happened to me was real. At least give me the satisfaction of seeing this man put in jail for the maximum term of 25 years. After all, if I don't qualify as a victim of the most violent, serious and heinous of crimes then who the hell does?

I am Jessica


Go Jessica! You are a wonderful inspiration for us all. Indeed, I believe society does forget us, the victims. It focuses on the abuser, often leaving us out in the cold once again.

To everyone that reads this blog, this is woman that has strength...And my god, she deserves everything she can get!


1 comment:

Nooninooninooninoo said...

We live in such a wonderful world, don't we, Ms. Jo?



People who do all these things just because they think its their right to. And they get away with it just about every time. I really think it's time people took these matters into their own hands. Like, wouldn't it be wonderful if rape victims and their families hunted down the ****s who destroyed them so and subjected them to the worst activities imaginable and then the rapist was ignored by the legal system...

Sorry, I'm a homicidal maniac underneath. It's a sad story about Jessica though.


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