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Dec 5, 2008

Christmas thoughts...

Well, Christmas is nearly upon us...eeek...

Christmas is a time of mixed emotions for me personally. And this Christmas is no different: well it is, because there has been a BIG breakdown of civilities with Justin's parents (which I explained in "In-laws,lend me your ears" and "So...")...

I find that holidays are among the toughest times of the years for me emotionally. Apart from my own family issues, history and background, there is now that infertility factor. These holidays are soooo child-related. I look around and all I see are prams, prams and more prams. And I won't deny, it hurts. It's like a little slap in the face, quick and sudden, over in a second, but still there.

On a separate note, I find pregnancy announcements even harder. Particularly when they are from women my own age or younger. I will admit that I have a little cry in private: mourning what could of and should have been. I try my hardest to stay upbeat and positive for the women involved but. My pain should not take away from their gain. And I have wonderful friends that understand (for the most part) when I need a hug and some time with their kids. And all our friends and most of our family are really supportive of us in our search for a family of our own.

And what about all the crappy family stuff? Well, lots of bad stuff seems to happen around this date. About 3 years ago, my father confessed to lots of nasty stuff (around Chrissy/New Year mind: inconsiderate, selfish bastard ): which in turn ruined Christmas for everyone else who was a normal human being and didn't do terrible things. And ever since then, it's been a balancing, seated on the fence type event between families (which doesn't always work real well). So this year I said: ENOUGH! I am not going anywhere. You know where I live. Come to me! A bit bah-humbug of me, I know. But I couldn't care less. It will still be awkward, regardless, because Justin's parents will be here: the ones with whom, we can never do anything right. My humble attempts at even trying to reach their expectations will fail catastrophically, just as they always have.


Oh well, this post hasn't been overwhelmingly positive.



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