Today I was thinking about hope.
Everyone hopes, at some stage in their life.
Sometimes the hope is fulfilled.
Sometimes it is achieved in a way we didn't expect it.
And sometimes, just sometimes, it is the hardest thing to cling to.
I find hope to be my demon, my lover, my motivator. I have never much liked hope. It hides when I have needed it the most. But there are times, a few gorgeous moments, when I know what is like to have hope on my team. And even better, to have it fulfilled.
Some people hope to be married. I never have. And look at me, married barely 6 weeks shy of my 21st! For me it was never about "the one". I hoped for children. I always said that I wanted the children, not the husband. How life loves to reverse itself.
But what would I do if given the opportunity to have the choice, reverse my life, if you like. Would I choose to be either married/partnered today, or to have children today? I would still choose marriage/the partnership. I would still choose to live the past three years childless with him. He suits me: we can fight, but still laugh at the end of it. He is my gift, a replacement of the "should haves" and "maybes". It doesn't make those intervening years any less painful for either of us, but it blessed me with the very things I never expected to have. Stability. Partnership. Hope.
Don't desert me now, hope. I would really like 2009 to continue improving on the past few years.