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Jul 14, 2009

A Moments Pause

Hello All,

Ah such a week!

Hubby's sick: tis a flu of some sort :-S poor darling! I think he will be more than right by tomorrow his temp dropped tonight, and he's looking better.

My brother is coming up Thursday and I am not very prepared. Hopefully tomorrow I will find my fast forward button and get some stuff done. Hopelessly disorganised like usual....no shocker there :-)

But really I wanted to share with you all where we are at on the infertility front.

As of this point we have no diagnosed causes for our infertility: hints and suggestions from various doctors (none of which can agree) but no definative cause.

I have struggled with that for quite a while: struggles which I have discussed at length on the blog, and in the bloggy sphere generally. But as of this year, I have finally let go of the dream to a point: it was emotionally and physically draining to be so focused on it. As well, due to life changes, I don't feel like I am prepared the way I was last year or the year before. My life has proven too insane and crazy for a baby to be present right now: particularly with my father's release and sheer obsessive behaviour with family that live close to me: I don't want to bring a child into that sort of world. Additionally, my relationship with hubby was more than a little shakey at the start of the year and I want us to get over that speed bump. And there would be the in-laws: I want that situation to level out before a baby comes on the scene. Then of course there are the financial problems etc etc. It never ends.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that I have made peace with the decision to just leave things as they are for now: if a miracle happens I would be overjoyed...but I am not seeking to have a child: the Vickie/kids incident has left me with a little scar that I think will never fully heal.

Justin on the other hand is different kettle of fish. It is worrying him more than ever: he is the one now yearning for a child...He wants to consider adoption, IVF, etc, etc. A lot of his friends are starting to settle down and have little ones, and here he is, with a wife, but no baby: and since our wedding, it is beginning to frustrate and upset him, particularly when he sees those other fathers not giving their kids the time and attention they need.

I in turn, feel a little overwhelmed, and a tad upset. When I was first going through it all (miscarriage, the fruitless pregnancy tests, medical tests, let alone everything and anything else), he really wasn't 'there' with me, he didn't know how to handle it. So to an extent, he shut me out, dealing only what he felt comfortable and able in dealing with. I don't blame him for that: I have so many other issues it confuses me, let alone him! But still, the sudden turn around was lovely, but still frustrating, because I had finally learnt to deal with it and to stop obsessing/stressing about it so much.

It will be really interesting to see where we go from here.



Billy said...

Hope everything that needs to be sorted out/dealt with before a baby can come will be fixed soon, and you that you will be able to work again on a baby with a full heart.

Katie said...

Good luck! I think if you wait until you're 100% ready though, you'll never be ready... KWIM? But I totally understand getting some things in order first and I sincerely hope it happens SOON! :) Your husband sounds like he's suffering from baby lust! :)

Hope Endures said...

I can really relate to what you wrote about your husband - mine also shut down for a bit, and emotionally I felt I was going through everything alone. I hope you are both able to get on the same page eventually. In any case, I'm glad you've made peace with where you are right now, and I hope that all the other pieces in your life get sorted out soon.


Kristin said...

Good luck finding a common ground in respect to your baby pursuits. Hope everything else stabilizes soon for you.


Liddy said...

Wishing you the best as you find common ground in your baby pursuits.

Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 95: The Unfair Struggle (male-factor infertility, good friends, neighborhood rumblings)

Cassandra said...

It is so difficult to line up the emotions of two people, much less get the rest of the world to line up too. Best wishes getting everything to a point where you feel that it would be a good environment for a baby.


Beautiful Mess said...

Happy ICLW!

I hope hubby feels better and you enjoy your visit with your brother.

Having no diagnosis is very frustrating. I don't have one, however I suspect the reason is scar tissue, but no doctor's stamp of approval, so to speak. I hope you two can come to an understanding. Sending you lots of peace.

WiseGuy said...

Good Luck with your family building...and I hope your hubby and you have a little one of your own soon!


Mrs. Gamgee said...

We all have our own roads to travel through IF. Sending hopes and prayers that you and your dh will come to a meeting place sooner rather than later.


becomingwhole said...

I hope that you and your husband have a meeting of the minds and hearts soon, and that you have peace.


MissMeliss said...

I found you from the wommensspace... and just reading your first post... I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. :( I wish I had some good words to say right now. Infertility sucks.

I do, however, have some good things to say about adoption... so, feel free to stop on by. :) (infertility wasn't the reason i adopted, but i do know many families who choose that option.)



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