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Feb 21, 2010

A Different Place.

Sometimes there's just no words, just silent tears....

The dreaded pregnancy announcement. Yet another one. There have been so many of late: every one leaving a little sting, a little mark, and more often or not, a lot of well buried hurt.

Usually, I can deal with them well. I know just how to act, what questions to ask, and what answers to give. I will support the woman involved, often help care for her other child/ren in those first few months of pregnancy and beyond. And every single one of those things are truly bittersweet for me: whilst I love to do these things for my friends, deep down, I just want it to me. I want to have my turn at the very thing that so many others take for granted: a baby.

But then comes the announcement from out of the blue. The announcement that staggers you and leaves you completely breathless. The one you never expected to hear: or at least not yet. The announcement that shakes you to the very core, regardless of how well you hide it in the depths of your soul, behind a smile and a kind word. After the email is read, or the phone call is finished, your heart cries, begging the powers that be why it is not you.

So please my dear friends, be considerate and sensitive when you call/email/facebook me with your "fantastic" news. Remember that your "fantastic" news may be gut wrenching for me. Don't try to minimise my infertility by saying, "It will happen for you: look, it happened for us". You are not fortune tellers, you do not know the future.

Don't make jokes about built-in babysitters or about how quickly you fell pregnant. I would give anything to be in your shoes and have just a taste of what you are experiencing right now. Don't rub it in.

Don't cut me off either. I love to be included in your pregnancy: to be given the privilege of being told about your latest scan and being permitted to feel your baby's kicks brings me so much joy. And when your baby comes, I will be there to play whatever role you need me to play. Without a doubt I will fall in love with your child and will want to be a loving, caring part of it's life.

But remember that I will go home and cry at some point. Remember that it is hard for me: that seeing you (and your baby) is an ever constant reminder of my own body's failure.

I am always here and I will always support you, but equally, I am approaching this pregnancy to a different place to you.




Infertility Etiquette 

10 Things Not to Say to Your Infertile Friend

Pregnancy Announcements and Lessening the Ouch Factor 

How do You Tell an Infertile Friend That You're Pregnant


オテモヤン said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Susan said...

I know how you feel. I went through the same feeling every time a friend (or family member) made the 'big announcement.'
Even after we adopted, I felt as though my heart was breaking, while being pulled out through my nose.
I shunned pregnant women but after the babies arrived I was all over that.
May you find peace.

mommyoffaith19 said...

I don't know what fertility feels like but I do know that feeling of your body betraying you since I had HELLP Syndrome and had to see my baby delivered at 24 weeks. It sucks


Hillary said...

I am infertile too. {{hugs}}

Giving Up A Dream said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. Just 3 weeks after my m/c. There were 6 pregnancy announcements at my church. It just hurts.

Anonymous said...

Hey, finally viewed the blog. So...you think that I fell pregnant to "rub it in" and to spite you and then decide to write it in a blog that really anyone could read, including me. I wouldn't ever do that to a "friend". You think that it came naturally to me? You know the facts already about this. You know there is another side to this.

shadowspring said...

Wow, I didn't read any of that in Princess Jo's post!

She never wrote that people got pregnant to "rub it in" or spite her. She was just honest about how much it hurt and asked for a little understanding from those in her world who are expecting, that's all.

I honestly did not see any accusation in her post, just a painfully honest appeal for some understanding.

Since I have squashed my share of hearts unintentionally in my 40+ years on several occasions, I appreciate the reminder to be sensitive to my audience.

I may not be still getting pregnant, but the principle applies in many other circumstances too. Know your audience; let your words be gentle and show restraint when your joy might brush up against another's wounded heart.


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