I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am twenty and I am already exhausted.
My discussion on privacy issues the other day was prompted by an email I received from a FJ member. She had read my blog and found me to be an inspiration. She called me "a survivor".
I can be brutally honest on this blog: about both my abuse and whom abused me. I have even scratched the surface of the after-effects of abuse.
But as I wrote back to her, I have a lot of issues that often, don't make it online. Issues that would definitely present me in a different light. Issues that would put me in the same class of survivor as her: one that that deep down, struggles to deal with her abuse. That I am in the dark as much as she is.
After much thought and consideration, I have decided to open up a little more about these issues. To be frank, it will be the first time I have opened up about these issues outside my husband and counsellor, so keep that in mind. I hope to run a more or less weekly series on it, as I think it will prove interesting and I hope, helpful to others.
In the beginning (just after the abuse), I shut down completely, and put my happy face on. I never allowed myself to show the full extent of how the events of that time were impacting me. After I left home, I finally let my guard down: to the extent within 2 years I had become deeply depressed and had attempted suicide.
Depression has proven to be one of my biggest challenges: when I am at my worse, I am moody, uncontrollable and inconsolable. I have damaged many relationships when I am heavily depressed: and for good reasons too. It isn't an easy thing to be around, particularly when from the outside looking in it seems like a switch has just been switched: from light to dark in a moment. The truth is that usually, it has been slowly building over hours, days or weeks, and that I have been putting on my happy face, to try to minimise the impact. Sadly, this coping mechanism usually has the opposite effect.
In future posts, I will delve deeper into the world that I have kept hidden for the best part of a decade. The world behind the happy face.