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Jun 2, 2010

IF and My Friends.

I have attempted to write this entry time and time again this week. And failed.

I am a very public blogger: I don't hide its existence from friends, family etc. I embrace my blog as my space, and can be brutally honest on it. When I struggle in real life, I blog about it, often instead of talking about it with my real life friends.

One of my biggest personal struggles has been with my infertility, particularly of late. So many of my friends are having babies: to the point I swear it is some kind of crazy conspiracy. Literally, I can only think of a handful of friends that are NOT having babies. And many are on their second or third child.

I have always been open in real life about my infertility: but I also do tend to not express my legitimate feelings about someone's pregnancy. Society doesn't tend to react well to jealousy, or sadness. Particularly in relation to the birth of a child. I do however chose to express those emotions virtually on this blog: for me it is a quick, painless, pressure release to ensure that those undoubtedly negative emotions don't fester and turn me into a very bitter person.

But what happens when one of those friends goes to my blog, finds one of my pregnancy ranting posts, and thinks it is about them alone? Well, it tends to make an already complicated situation more so. I am far from a perfect friend, but the added stress of a pregnancy makes me a very bad one. Or at least, I feel that way.

And why is that?

Because I see the belly, and then the baby, and my overwhelming thought is: "this should be mine and this should be me". My first reaction is usually never happiness for the prospective parents (unless I know they have had problems), but instead, instant, bitter jealousy. Why should they have a baby so quickly (into a relationship, trying, bad circumstances etc) when I have spent the last 3.5 years trying, and ultimately failing?

I do get over it, move on, and help out as needed. But the abyss follows me, waiting for the next surprise, the next announcement, for me to fall conveniently (and hopefully, briefly) into it's dark embrace. 

One day hopefully it will be different. I don't like being this way.

I leave you all with this quote.

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative - self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.  
~Jennifer James~



Laura said...

Aw, Jo, I'm so sorry you're going through this. :(

shadowspring said...

I sucks to read that you are suffering, Jo.

I can't relate to your exact situation, but I hear what you're saying. I hope your friend can come to a place where she understands that those are your feelings about your life, and not an indictment of her or her good fortune.

I wish you well. In fact, as long as I'm wishing, I wish life wasn't so hard. I wish that all of our dreams come true, and that all of our nightmares disappear in the light of day.

Wishing hasn't done much good yet, but it's all I have to offer. :\

Susan said...

Jo, we tried for 15 years. It got to the point where I could not stand to be around pregnant women. When we finally found a doctor who actually could help the diagnosis was so simple; it made me extra angry that no doctor before had ever found it!
I had a tipped uterus and servere endimetriosis. After the surgery, I was told there was 17 pounds of organs, tissue, cysts, and benign tumors.
We were lucky to adopt a newborn. The joy (and at times hell) of our lives. But the next adoption fell through and broke all our hearts.
I just want you to know you are not alone.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anonymous said...

Oh Jo, you are a beautiful, strong person. I am very sorry for the pain you've lived as a child and infertility adds insult to injury. Unfortunately, I know first hand of the horrors of fundamentalist churches and abuse and of infertility. We were married nine years before adopting our amazing daughter and waited another five for our ZIFT triplets. I remember the pain and the jealousy so well, the friends I offended, the baby showers I sometimes just couldn't face - again. To this day I relate MUCH more with those who struggle to conceive. You are not alone and I wish you the very best. Thank you for blogging.

Anonymous said...

Honestly... Your friend tells you to STOP blogging things about her, and you do??? Well, Jo, You dont deserve her friendship. Sorry to be so harsh, you are going through though times, but damn girl. I have read your blog for months, and i often feel sad, or sympathetic... But, today i do not. i feel sad and sympathetic to your friend whom you keep talking about.... She has EVERY RIGHT to her very own opinion...oh, and DO NOT blog this.

Anonymous said...

Anon, y'know what. Jo can write whatever she wants here. She doesn't have to write only nice things, just because it's easier for you, me, or her RL friends to read. It's her blog, and as a woman recovering from fundamentalism, it's healthy for her to be able to express whatever she feels.

You don't have to read it.

Suzanne said...

Oh I know all too well how you feel, I struggle with the green-eyed monster myself.

Stopping by from ICLW #63 My Life's Journey


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