I am a very public blogger: I don't hide its existence from friends, family etc. I embrace my blog as my space, and can be brutally honest on it. When I struggle in real life, I blog about it, often instead of talking about it with my real life friends.
One of my biggest personal struggles has been with my infertility, particularly of late. So many of my friends are having babies: to the point I swear it is some kind of crazy conspiracy. Literally, I can only think of a handful of friends that are NOT having babies. And many are on their second or third child.
I have always been open in real life about my infertility: but I also do tend to not express my legitimate feelings about someone's pregnancy. Society doesn't tend to react well to jealousy, or sadness. Particularly in relation to the birth of a child. I do however chose to express those emotions virtually on this blog: for me it is a quick, painless, pressure release to ensure that those undoubtedly negative emotions don't fester and turn me into a very bitter person.
But what happens when one of those friends goes to my blog, finds one of my pregnancy ranting posts, and thinks it is about them alone? Well, it tends to make an already complicated situation more so. I am far from a perfect friend, but the added stress of a pregnancy makes me a very bad one. Or at least, I feel that way.
And why is that?
Because I see the belly, and then the baby, and my overwhelming thought is: "this should be mine and this should be me". My first reaction is usually never happiness for the prospective parents (unless I know they have had problems), but instead, instant, bitter jealousy. Why should they have a baby so quickly (into a relationship, trying, bad circumstances etc) when I have spent the last 3.5 years trying, and ultimately failing?
I do get over it, move on, and help out as needed. But the abyss follows me, waiting for the next surprise, the next announcement, for me to fall conveniently (and hopefully, briefly) into it's dark embrace.
One day hopefully it will be different. I don't like being this way.
I leave you all with this quote.
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.