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Jul 14, 2010

In a Very Unusual Way....

One of the things I miss about being a christian is having all the answers sewn up neatly. If you needed help, or an answer, you just opened your bible or prayed about it. You didn't need to rely on yourself: in fact, you were told that the only thing you should rely on was God and God alone.

The thing was that it was easy. Any trouble you had went straight to God, and he would hopefully fix it: and if he didn't, it was a lesson you needed to learn.

My marriage has never been easy, and I think it has been made all the more complicated because I grew up with a certain idea of marriage and how to deal with problems (Go to God! Search the Scriptures! Be submissive! Endure everything!). Those things don't fit my life anymore: I don't want them to be a part of my marriage, for many reasons.

Mostly, it is because I don't want to be a fraud: appalled at a god/religion's actions on one hand, but agreeing to it all because it is easier, and means that I have a neat path to follow in both my marriage and my life.

I want my marriage to survive on its own terms, without the pressure of religion, faith, or the need to stay. I want and need to establish my own abilities as a person and human being to decide my own fate.

My marriage is unusual, suiting no one but ourselves, and sometimes, not even that.

In a very unusual way one time I needed you.
In a very unusual way you were my friend.
Maybe it lasted a day, maybe it lasted an hour.
But, somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way I think I'm in love with you.
In a very unusual way I want to cry.
Something inside me goes weak,
Something inside me surrenders.
And you're the reason why,
You're the reason why

You don't know what you do to me,
You don't have a clue.
You can't tell what its like to be me looking at you.
It scares me so, that I can hardly speak.

In a very unusual way, I owe what I am to you.
Though at times it appears I won't stay, I never go.
Special to me in my life,
Since the first day that I met you.
How could I ever forget you,
Once you had touched my soul?
In a very unusual way,
You've made me whole.

~Unusual Way, Maury Yeston~ 


Jo said...

"One of the things I miss about being a christian is having all the answers sewn up neatly."

Oh, so very, very true. I miss feeling as though there was a reason, albeit one I couldn't understand, why we had to endure all that we had to endure.

It sure felt better to believe, though somehow that's not enough to make me go back to it.


Deb said...

From two years of age you have showed me you have a mind of your own.
Your marriage has not been an easy one for many reasons. However, you have dealt with each situation as it arose. Situations I would have really struggled with.
You mightn't think so but you are a fighter and you show strength that I do not have. I am proud of you.
I cannot tell you what your future holds but I hope that you will find your place where you can truly blossom.
With much love


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