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Oct 3, 2010

Hopes, Plans and Wishes in the Breeze

After being away from the computer for a couple of days, it was so lovely to come back to your amazing messages in my inbox. I felt surrounded by hugs and love, and by women whom have gone through the same thing. And after the week I have had, it was needed, and greatly appreciated. You made my day. :-)

Right now, we are taking one day at a time. Our next appointment is in 2 weeks, and we have more tests to go through between then and now.

I keep reminding myself that is isn't the end of the road. There are lots of reasons for the zero sperm count result -  and I just hope it is one we can fix or deal with. The what-ifs some days are overwhelming, regardless of how much we try to ignore them.

But mostly, I keep focusing on today and the tiny ray of hope, because I have no idea what we are going to do if this doesn't pan out. We really don't have back up plan for this.

We don't know if we will even get 'a' baby now - let alone the large family we always wanted. So many of our hopes, plans and wishes now float freely in the breeze - out of reach, at least for now.

A favourite quote says:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life. 



Laura said...

Jo, somehow, I completely missed your last post. I am so very sorry to hear that. I am glad you are feeling a bit better, but I am still sending you lots of ehugs.

rebecca said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, so glad you felt "hugged" with my last comment. I've been there and it means the world when others come rally around to lift you up during the really difficult moments. Continue to hold close to the hope, it is what will see you through. Much love and of course ((hugs))

DeterminedDory said...

Lots and lots and LOTS of hugs, whenever you need them! I'm so glad you've found as much support from this community as I did when we first got our diagnosis. I will be following your story and hoping for a miracle for you!!

mommyinwaiting said...

I am so sorry to read of your diagnosis, it really does suck big hairy balls! As you say though there are lots of reasons for aszoo and some are treatable.

So here's (briefly our success story). My hubby has been azoo always, has never produced sperm. His problem is a faulty pituitary so it's not sending the right hormones to his testes and so sperm not being produced. Six months on the right drugs and he had sperm (just a few but they were motile). Another three months on he now has 1million sperm and the number keeps climbing.

Hold onto hope and all the very best for your appointment. If you ever want more details on our story, drop me a line, I would be more than happy to share.

Ritkiss said...

I love the poem...I feel those sentiments about being a mother after being told we couldn't have more children.
My hubby has azoo due to bi-lateral hernia repair surgeries that blocked his vas defrens. It was a complete shock to say the least, especially since we had achieved a pregnancy without difficultly two years earlier a few months after his repair surgeries.
He went through several tests and sperm retrievals and we were able to conceive child #2 with IVF/ICSI.
I will be hoping for a miracle in your life as God has given me mine.


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