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Oct 20, 2010

When I Shut the Front Door

Of late, I have frantically busy - literally never stopping except to sleep. Even today, the one day I had set aside for me to rest, I could not stop.

And then it hit me, I have been running. Running from the very real reality that we are facing - that there is a chance that we will never be able to have children. Just today I caught myself saying "Our first girl child will be named ______ ". There are no guarantees any more that we will even get one child. Let alone the four I have always dreamed of and planned for.

How do you process that? How do you come to peace with that? Particularly when I am a woman whom likes to plan. Likes to know where she is going, and how she is going to get there. All of a sudden I have no control, and no say. And so, I do what I do best - get busy and ignore the facts that are staring me in the face.

They say ignorance is bliss, and maybe it is for some. But for me, it just prolongs the inevitable, and the bliss it creates is not real.

I will say however, that my time has been taken up doing things I love - escaping into the things that bring me pleasure, albeit momentarily.

But when I shut my front door, I feel tired. I feel angry. I feel slighted by a world that I cannot claim to understand any more. The silence stands as an ever lurking sign of my failure to become a parent. That I am just playing make believe, and trying to be something I am not - a mother. Regardless of how much I think I deserve that title of mother, it is not mine to own - yet. And some days, the very worse of days, I think I will never own it - that it has escaped my grasp for forever - and that I will be fated to be playing make-believe for the rest of my life.



Pschall said...

I’m new to following your blog. When I read this posting just now, my heart went out to you because I understand. I’m trying to figure out how to process this as well. I just had another surgery for endometriosis and the realities are crushing to my dreams of having a family. I’m so sorry that you have to feel this way. I wish that I could say something to bring comfort, but I know too well that words can’t heal the heartache.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. The idea of never having kids is incredibly hard to process. But remember that there are ways to build your family -- there may be treatments that can work for you, or you could consider adopting a child. At least for myself, while this is not what we dreamt about when we started trying for a baby, it gives me hope to know that I can still become a mother through other paths.
Take care.

car said...

Hi Jo, thanks for the comment on my blog.

I just read your story and I am floored by what you have already dealt with in your life. I understand you desire to have a plan and know what is going to happen and how you will deal with it. Of course then life comes along and screws up your plans in a way you could never predict. I hope you find a way to make your plan for a family work out.

The Infertility Doula said...

What a powerful story. I admire your strength and hope that this path of IF will be short lived. The loss of control is terrifying but it's important to remember that it does not define you.

I will be following your story.

Thank you for stopping by my blog.

Lut C. said...

I recognize the emotions in this post. I hope your dream comes true, very soon.

Sara said...

I understand your frustration and anger. This post was really powerful. I hope that your dreams come true soon.

(here from creme)


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