You hear of so many couples separating in the infertility community - the stress becomes too much - or a formally small issue becomes huge and insurmountable.
And whenever I read another separation/divorce announcement, it terrifies me. It could be me.
I love my husband. But like any relationship, we have our bumps. And we have had some big ones - serious illness, loss, and financial difficulties, just to name a few. Neither one of us is perfect - certainly not in the way we act as human beings, in our marriage, and in our friendships. I would like to think the good outweighs the bad, and I guess that for now, it does. But then I think, it could be me.
I have touched on Justin's recent mood changes here before. Of late, he has been getting angry - angry at me, angry at anything that doesn't go his way. He has always been stubborn, but of late it has been an entirely new beast. A scary new beast. Everyone else in our lives are beginning to notice it, too. Which means that, yes, it is a problem - one that is particularly unacceptable with the presence of the kids in our lives. Right now, it has had minimal impact - but in the future? I am not so sure. And then I think, it could be me.
Personally I think it is because of the recent flood of bad news he has received - which in essence, has attacked everything he always believed about himself - and indeed, the very definition of what he is - as a man. He is taking it out on everybody, and not dealing with it properly. And yet, he cannot see it - he only sees it as a tiny problem - not realising the impact it is having on me and our friends. And in my most quiet moments after yet another fight I think, it could be me.
I have told him that this behaviour is unacceptable. There are two of us hurting - and that does not mean that we should hurt each other or others. I accept that everyone has to release tension sometimes, but to be losing your temper every 5 minutes over the littlest thing? That isn't ok. I don't want infertility to beat us - we have already survived so much and beaten the odds more times then I care to think of. And I don't want to think any longer that it could be me.
I want to have hope in our marriage. I want to feel like all the issues aren't insurmountable, and that I won't have to tackle them all myself. That I will have a husband that walks beside me, not several steps behind or ahead. I want to be with a settled, reliable man, not a man that throws temper tantrums a 2 year old would be proud of.
So, I am going to get us into some therapy (with his permission) - not just for him, but for me too. I think we both need it, and our marriage deserves it. And maybe, just maybe, having a third party will help settle this.
And maybe, just maybe, it won't be us.
My thoughts and love go out to those of you whom are now part of that unwanted club. You did not fail. You did what was best for you - and that is truly amazing. I am in awe of your strength and sense of self.