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Nov 20, 2010

It Could be Me....

You hear of so many couples separating in the infertility community - the stress becomes too much - or a formally small issue becomes huge and insurmountable.

And whenever I read another separation/divorce announcement, it terrifies me. It could be me.

I love my husband. But like any relationship, we have our bumps. And we have had some big ones - serious illness, loss, and financial difficulties, just to name a few. Neither one of us is perfect - certainly not in the way we act as human beings, in our marriage, and in our friendships. I would like to think the good outweighs the bad, and I guess that for now, it does. But then I think, it could be me.

I have touched on Justin's recent mood changes here before. Of late, he has been getting angry - angry at me, angry at anything that doesn't go his way. He has always been stubborn, but of late it has been an entirely new beast. A scary new beast. Everyone else in our lives are beginning to notice it, too. Which means that, yes, it is a problem - one that is particularly unacceptable with the presence of the kids in our lives. Right now, it has had minimal impact - but in the future? I am not so sure. And then I think, it could be me.

Personally I think it is because of the recent flood of bad news he has received - which in essence, has attacked everything he always believed about himself - and indeed, the very definition of what he is - as a man. He is taking it out on everybody, and not dealing with it properly. And yet, he cannot see it - he only sees it as a tiny problem - not realising the impact it is having on me and our friends. And in my most quiet moments after yet another fight I think, it could be me.

I have told him that this behaviour is unacceptable. There are two of us hurting - and that does not mean that we should hurt each other or others. I accept that everyone has to release tension sometimes, but to be losing your temper every 5 minutes over the littlest thing? That isn't ok. I don't want infertility to beat us - we have already survived so much and beaten the odds more times then I care to think of. And I don't want to think any longer that it could be me.

I want to have hope in our marriage. I want to feel like all the issues aren't insurmountable, and that I won't have to tackle them all myself. That I will have a husband that walks beside me, not several steps behind or ahead. I want to be with a settled, reliable man, not a man that throws temper tantrums a 2 year old would be proud of.

So, I am going to get us into some therapy (with his permission) - not just for him, but for me too. I think we both need it, and our marriage deserves it. And maybe, just maybe, having a third party will help settle this.

And maybe, just maybe, it won't be us.


My thoughts and love go out to those of you whom are now part of that unwanted club. You did not fail. You did what was best for you - and that is truly amazing. I am in awe of your strength and sense of self.


mommyinwaiting said...

Oh Honey, Infertility is a cruel fate! It has such an impact on every aspect of our lives and I think for a man to face his own infertility seems so much scarier to them than for a woman. I am so glad to hear that you are seeking help, I hope in my heart you can overcome this and it won't be you!

CW said...

Infertility is such a horrible bump to face. I have had the same thought lately and it is so scary to think it. Hopefully with some help you can come out of this even stronger. Big hugs.

Gurlee said...

Here from LFCA. I am so sorry you are dealing with a strain in your relationship on top of IF. I genuinely hope that you and your DH will make it over this hurdle intact and stronger. My thoughts of peace and love are coming your way.

sarah said...

Here from LFCA as well. I hope you and your husband find a good counselor and are able to work through this. Your news seems so recent, I think it's normal for there to be a bit of chaos as the information gets integrated (not that that makes it okay for your husband to be abusive or anything like that, but rather that a little bit of adjustment and discomfort is to be expected, I imagine.)

My husband and I went through four marriage counselors before we found one that really worked for us. I wish someone had explained that they are not all created equal, and some can actually do a bit of harm rather than good, before we spent all that time and money banging our heads against the walls in their offices! Trust your instincts, and find someone that works for the two of you.

I wish you all the best.

Mummy in Waiting said...

Here from LFCA and wanting to offer you a huge hug! My husband went through a phase a bit like this when he was suffering from anxiety and he sought counselling and started taking some a mild anti-anxiety medication and is now a whole new man. The counselling did him the world of good and really helped him to come to peace with some issues that had been plagueing him his entire life that he didn't even realise were there. I wish you and your husband all the best and hope you can come through this as an even stronger couple. (((BIG HUG)))

Calmly Chaotic said...

When it is the husband's sperm that is the issue it is so very hard. All infertility is hard. Male infertility is just so hard for us women because it is not our bodies and we want to talk about it and come up with a plan and meanwhile our husbands are likely still processing and to quote mine... feeling like they've been robbed of their manhood.

This isn't an excuse to treat you poorly and I definitely think therapy is a great idea. Do you have access to a fertility psychologist? I am just thinking that someone in this field might be even better for you two.

I hope you guys work this out and come out stronger for it.


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