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Nov 15, 2010


The second lot of tests are back.

Zero sperm again.

We are still waiting on the chromosomal test results.

I feel terribly, terribly lonely. Whenever Justin gets news like this, he goes into his own little world, where I can't reach him. We are both such innately independent people - and we deal with things so differently that news like this always tests our relationship. I need closeness, he needs distance. He does come back to me, eventually - but I am so frightened that one day, he won't.

One day at a time.


Adversity is like a strong wind.  It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. 
Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha


Gloria said...

*hugs* I'm so, so sorry. :( Feel free to vent at me if you ever need someone to talk to.

Laura said...

:( I'm so sorry, Jo.

Vee said...

I am sorry Jo. Max was the same as Justin when he got his zero news. I think they need space to digest it all. Hugs.

conceptionallychallenged said...

Oh no. I'm so very sorry to hear this. Thinking of you both.

determineddory said...

Jo, my heart breaks for you. Bobby was the same way, we didn't talk about his SA for nearly a month until he finally opened up about how much it hurt him. I found that the best thing I could do is just wait for him to be ready, and let him know I was there. I needed connection too, though. That's why I started my blog. I hope you can use this space to deal with the feelings that your hubs isn't ready to share with you yet.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry. Finding out about the zero and the confirming results are so terribly hard to hear and deal with. My Dh was the very same way about his azoo.
I promise you, it does eventually get better. Even if it feels like it never will. *hugs*

Calmly Chaotic said...

This must be so hard. It is so hard for us women too because we feel so sad about the results and almost want our husbands to comfort us but obviously they can't since they are dealing with the news about their body. It is a very tough spot to be in. Hopefully he will come around soon.

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

Oh I am so sorry. We've been there too. It does get better eventually.

**Hugs to you both**

rebecca said...

Ugh, so sorry...such terribly difficult news. Thinking of you guys and hoping he finds his way back to you very soon. Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote...so very true!

cowgirltn said...

Prayers for your marriage and the closeness you so desire.

Ritkiss said...

Very sorry about your news...hope you find some answers.

littlezen said...

I'm so sorry. My husband is infertile because of a birth defect...no sperm from him either. He just doesn't make the hormone.

Just me said...

My husband and I have the same issue, in terms of how we deal with disappointment and adversity.

I've blogged about it before. He withdraws into himself, while I reach out and need affection and reassurement. When we are both feeling this way at the same time, it is hard for us to help each other. I feel like "Why is he ignoring me???" and he is thinking "Why is she being so clingy???"

After our last loss, we went to see a therapist and found it helpful. She didn't tell us anything NEW, per se, but having a third party tell us that this is NORMAL and OKAY, and then give us some strategies to deal with it was really helpful.

Does it mean that now, when things are bad, we both deal with it better? No. But it does help me, at least, to keep from taking it personally. It also allows me to speak up and say "Hey- I need THIS from you right now." and to ask "What do you need from me?"

Hoping for peace for you, your husband, and your relationship.



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