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Dec 20, 2010

Genetics and Heartache

I just love looking at the kids I care for and see the little bits of me that pop out. Yes, we may not be genetically related, but the time I have spent with them teaching them, guiding them and caring for them has meant that they do pick some of my idiosyncrasies/mannerisms. Sometimes, that isn't a good thing, but it is certainly funny!

When I found out about our infertility (or even began suspecting we had it) one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't get to pass on 'me': that I would be a 'genetic' dead end. It is a strange thing to realise that I am not as much of a "dead end" as I thought. I still don't know how I feel about that. My children should be the ones inheriting those things, not everybody else's!! But on the other hand, I pick up things from the kids too - the other day I was writing down the schedules and  likes/dislikes of a few of them, and I was surprised at how much I could think of.

----------------------------------

The reason for my recent silence? It is complicated, but a lot of it has to do with Justin and his lack of action on the "temper" issues. I understand he is going through a really tough time, but right now I am just searching for where is the point were I have to say it is not healthy for me to stay - that it is best and safest for me (and him) to go for a time to allow him to really consider his priorities and what he wants now. 

To say nothing of the fact that 2011 is the first year where I no longer hold any hope that 'this' will be our year to conceive a miracle. I am trying desperately to resign myself to the idea that babies won't be coming our way naturally - and thus (due to budget constrictions, mostly) won't arriving on our doorstep any time soon, and maybe, not ever.

Every other year, I have always had hope that we would get our miracle baby, and to be suddenly be approaching another year without a baby and without the ability to even fool myself thinking that we have a chance in the coming year - it is truly terrifying.

And perhaps more tellingly - this is the first year I don't want to write an annual update of our lives. I can't put a positive spin on this, I just can't. I have begun writing a number of times only to hit a wall of blind fury and sheer sorrow so deep I can't swim through it and make it okay. I might write it, or I might not. Bear with me ok?


I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. 
-The Wonder Years-

4 comments:

Cattiz J said...

Hi,
I just found you through BlogFrog and the chat that was going on yesterday. I'm so sorry you have to go through all this! Hope you'll find some peace soon and a way to handle all that's happening. it's not an easy journey, that's for sure.

Laura said...

Yuck, Jo. :( I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don't. Big hugs to you. Maybe instead, 2011 will be a year of healing.

Andrea said...

Yes, it's quite sobering to thing we may not be able to experience something we dreamed of. I've been working through infertility for years, and this year may be the actual, real, end of the road for us: no more money for IVF cycles, and no money for adoption because we spent it all on IVF! I have to hope the universe has something else, something better? something meaningful? in store for us,

Wanderlust said...

The loss of a dream, or of hope, can be just as painful, and sometimes more painful, than the loss of something tangible. I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I wish there was some small way I could ease it. Take care and I wish for you healing.

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