When I found out about our infertility (or even began suspecting we had it) one of my biggest fears was that I wouldn't get to pass on 'me': that I would be a 'genetic' dead end. It is a strange thing to realise that I am not as much of a "dead end" as I thought. I still don't know how I feel about that. My children should be the ones inheriting those things, not everybody else's!! But on the other hand, I pick up things from the kids too - the other day I was writing down the schedules and likes/dislikes of a few of them, and I was surprised at how much I could think of.
The reason for my recent silence? It is complicated, but a lot of it has to do with Justin and his lack of action on the "temper" issues. I understand he is going through a really tough time, but right now I am just searching for where is the point were I have to say it is not healthy for me to stay - that it is best and safest for me (and him) to go for a time to allow him to really consider his priorities and what he wants now.
To say nothing of the fact that 2011 is the first year where I no longer hold any hope that 'this' will be our year to conceive a miracle. I am trying desperately to resign myself to the idea that babies won't be coming our way naturally - and thus (due to budget constrictions, mostly) won't arriving on our doorstep any time soon, and maybe, not ever.
Every other year, I have always had hope that we would get our miracle baby, and to be suddenly be approaching another year without a baby and without the ability to even fool myself thinking that we have a chance in the coming year - it is truly terrifying.
And perhaps more tellingly - this is the first year I don't want to write an annual update of our lives. I can't put a positive spin on this, I just can't. I have begun writing a number of times only to hit a wall of blind fury and sheer sorrow so deep I can't swim through it and make it okay. I might write it, or I might not. Bear with me ok?
I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.
-The Wonder Years-