As I reach my 2nd anniversary, I realise I now know less about marriage than I did when I started.
Marriage to me, was about the kids - the laughable, lovable babies that would surely come if I was married. I thought we had the love/life part down, and surely, the kids were next.
The reality is far, far different. The things that were supposed to come easily, didn't. The life I thought I would be leading, I am not. I signed up to be a mother and now, two years into our marriage, and 5 years into our relationship, I am not. I am a wife, without any children to legitimise our marriage, and without any real, tangible physical proof of our love. I think there is a part of me that will always mourn that loss.
Because yes, it is a loss. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of the children that should be. I try to ignore it, but the ghosts of those children push in between us, ripping at the seams of our marriage, unpicking it one stitch at a time. I look at my husband and all I see is failure - both his and mine. We have achieved very little in the world's eyes, beyond beating the odds and staying together.
I tell myself that is a fact I should be celebrating this anniversary - our survival as a couple when the odds were stacked against us. But deep down, the "survival" badge is not what I want to celebrate - I want to celebrate a thriving, growing, living relationship, instead of one, that on so many levels, already feels restricted and half dead.
I am not perfect, on any level in this marriage, and neither is my husband. But as we step into our 3rd year of marriage, neither one of us know what it will bring. The certainty, the inevitability of 2 lives spent together, seems gone. Who knows? We might beat the odds, but I am tired of just scraping by - in our marriage, in our finances, and in our lives.
This move is a fresh start for me - and I refuse to say never. Because sometimes the never, is the only option left.
A new decade, a new life, and new start. And maybe I will still be married at the end.
Never say Never