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Jan 16, 2011

2 Years - If I am Honest.

As I reach my 2nd anniversary, I realise I now know less about marriage than I did when I started.

Marriage to me, was about the kids - the laughable, lovable babies that would surely come if I was married. I thought we had the love/life part down, and surely, the kids were next.

The reality is far, far different. The things that were supposed to come easily, didn't. The life I thought I would be leading, I am not. I signed up to be a mother and now, two years into our marriage, and 5 years into our relationship, I am not.  I am a wife, without any children to legitimise our marriage, and without any real, tangible physical proof of our love. I think there is a part of me that will always mourn that loss.

Because yes, it is a loss. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of the children that should be. I try to ignore it, but the ghosts of those children push in between us, ripping at the seams of our marriage, unpicking it one stitch at a time. I look at my husband and all I see is failure - both his and mine. We have achieved very little in the world's eyes, beyond beating the odds and staying together.

I tell myself that is a fact I should be celebrating this anniversary - our survival as a couple when the odds were stacked against us. But deep down, the "survival" badge is not what I want to celebrate - I want to celebrate a thriving, growing, living relationship, instead of one, that on so many levels, already feels restricted and half dead.

I am not perfect, on any level in this marriage, and neither is my husband. But as we step into our 3rd year of marriage, neither one of us know what it will bring. The certainty, the inevitability of 2 lives spent together, seems gone. Who knows? We might beat the odds, but I am tired of just scraping by - in our marriage, in our finances, and in our lives.

This move is a fresh start for me - and I refuse to say never. Because sometimes the never, is the only option left.

A new decade, a new life, and new start. And maybe I will still be married at the end.

Never say Never



Michelle said...

Happy Anniversary.
I love this post. I love your honesty. Thank you for being real & honest about marriage during infertility.

Alison said...

"I am a wife, without any children to legitimise our marriage, and without any real, tangible physical proof of our love."

I've been married for almost two years now, and to me, a good marriage is legitimized even without children. I think your idea of what marriage is (or what is should be) has gotten a little skewed. We do not want children at this moment, so I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, but marriage is marriage, with or without children. Your marriage is the proof of your love, not children. To me, children are the extension of your love and your marriage, not proof.

Just thought you'd want to see your words from a different perspective. I know it's taken me almost two years to understand what marriage really is and I hope you can learn the same.

I've been reading your blog for awhile, but am just now commenting because my heart goes out to you and your husband. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope you can maybe relearn a new definition of marriage. Happy Anniversary. I hope you guys can find a way to make it happy!

rebecca said...

Happy Anniversary, I hope that the coming year surprises you with good memories and that your marriage is able to grow in strength. As Alison said a marriage is between you and your husband not children whether they do or don't come in the future, it is the relationship between the two of you.

Kriste said...

Happy Anniversary!

Mum said...

So much water has flowed under the bridge since we witnessed your marriage to Justin. It has not been an easy journey and many a woman would have called an end to it if they had been in the same situation as you. However they are not you and one thing you are is a 'fighter'. I cannot tell you what the future holds but know that I am proud of you and the steps you have taken.
Love Mum

amy said...

Hi, here from lfca. Reading this gave me goosebumps. Our anniversary's the 23rd- he moved out a few weeks ago. I have 3 month old twins from ivf. The kids don't legitimize something that isn't there, isn't working, or isn't real. In my case, the babies made that situation worse. Much worse. And now I have 3 kids, on my own, with a divorce looming and all the uncertainty and fear that goes along with that...

Although I have to say, I wouldn't trade it. And if someone had told me what I'm telling you, I wouldn't have cared. I wouldn't have listened. I wanted the babies, and I got them, and I'm happier than I've ever been...even without the husband. I don't know. Just something to think about. You can do it without him, too. Kids won't fix it.

Just my 2 cents.


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