It was nice to hear from many of you on my last post - I know some of you haven't commented before, so "welcome!" if that is the case.
Taken by Hayley Thompson
I have got a couple of things to clear up a bit though! When I wrote the first post, I approached it from my perspective - from the structure that my marriage is built on and also, from my background - coming from a place where old habits die hard - and one of those habits still happens to be the belief that children are blessings - and are the "fruit" of a healthy, 'godly' marriage (quiver-full). I will admit I still have a hard time reconciling that old fundamentalist belief system with what I now 'believe' which is simply that children are blessings (without god) and our struggle to conceive has only helped to reinforce that perspective. Society's expectations have also played a part - "when are you going to have a baby now that you are married" is now a phrase that I hate with a vengeance. It takes till you are going through infertility to realise how much pressure society (in general) puts on couples in this area - fertility is very definitively linked to marriage success in the wider community.
And I would like to make clear that when we got married, we had already been together for a number of years and had an established relationship without children. We were already aware that we had issues conceiving, though at the time, we thought I was at fault. When I got married, a very small part of me superstitiously thought that 'getting married' should take care of that. Of course, I married my husband for more than just those reasons - I loved him, and still do.
But infertility has such a traumatic hand in your marriage - it impacts everything - and when I say everything, I mean everything. It is a deeply intimate thing for a start - and it strips your privacy, and all too often, the spontaneity out of your marriage. It isn't something that can just be ignored, or pushed away. It is there - constantly. I have complete understanding and compassion for those whom separate because of infertility - it could have been (and still could be) us. People say it should make our relationship/us stronger (and it undoubtedly has), but every marriage has a breaking point, and ours is no different.
I guess the last words here should go to my husband - (as written as a comment on my previous post, on facebook)
you know jo, i love being married to you, i may not show it always, but i do love you. yes the part of not having kids has been tough on both of us. as sometimes you may not believe that i get the reason you look after everyone elses kids, ...i infact do get it, it is your way of showing how much you are meant to be a mother, it is your way of loving another person when we dont have the ones we have lost.
and as to me, i am not the perfect husband, i can honestly say that i have let you down in alot of areas. yes, i have made alot of errors in judgement when it comes to finances. when it comes to work, i do try and i do fail. i do try to not let my faults get on top of me, but as much as i do try, i also fail at that.
but now, as we do start a new chapter in our lives, after reading what you said, i come to realise, that nothing can be taken for granted anymore, and we should start living life for the moments at hand, and look back on the good times, and not the bad. so as we endevour to spread our wings in a new chapter of our lives together, i want to say that i love you, i dont plan on taking you for granted any more, i will be here to help you as much as i can, i may not always show emotion like you want me to, but i will always be here to hold your hand and help you up when you fall down.
i love you very much jo, and look forward to a new chapter in our lives.
happy aniversary baby.