They say hope floats. Well, so do lies. So does history. So does marriage.
Let me be clear - I am no shrinking violet - and I do say what I think, particularly in my marriage. And it probably hasn't helped my marriage in any way.
That being said - yes, that being said, I no longer know the man I married. Or maybe, I do. In my rush to prove everyone wrong - to make my marriage work, I overlooked big warning signs. Forgave a little too quickly and easily.
My husband you see, lies to everyone - and most of all, to himself. Denial, should be his middle name. Lying about attending a poker game might not be a deal breaker when it happens once, but it happens over and over again? It is. It is even a bigger deal breaker when he promises time and time again to work on our marriage and not do whatever the f*ck-up is again - but just goes back to the same old behavior and lies.
I of all people understand how one lie becomes many - and perpetuates a cycle that is hard to stop. I grew up telling lie after lie - yes, my daddy was such a wonderful man, a wonderful godly man. I would do anything for my daddy. All lies. My daddy was a monster, and deep down, I was afraid of him. And I still am.
Which is why it surprises me - that I am here. I know how to lie, and lie well. But obviously, that doesn't mean I can pick a liar.
This morning, my husband got up from the couch and went to work. We said goodbye politely like two strangers.
This is my new normal.
I still don't know if my marriage can be fixed, and I am no longer sure if I want it to be. I can no longer make my marriage just survive on hope.
We will be living together as a couple (at least outwardly, and particularly for the kids) for at least the next few months - but it is up to him, what if anything, happens after that.
And please if you are my family - no judgement, no pity. Not a word, unless I bring it up - and never a mention with the kids around.