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Feb 21, 2011

New Normal

They say hope floats. Well, so do lies. So does history. So does marriage. 

Marriage. Bahaha. 

Let me be clear - I am no shrinking violet - and I do say what I think, particularly in my marriage. And it probably hasn't helped my marriage in any way. 

That being said - yes, that being said, I no longer know the man I married. Or maybe, I do. In my rush to prove everyone wrong - to make my marriage work, I overlooked big warning signs. Forgave a little too quickly and easily. 

My husband you see, lies to everyone - and most of all, to himself. Denial, should be his middle name. Lying about attending a poker game might not be a deal breaker when it happens once, but it happens over and over again? It is. It is even a bigger deal breaker when he promises time and time again to work on our marriage and not do whatever the f*ck-up is again - but just goes back to the same old behavior and lies. 

I of all people understand how one lie becomes many - and perpetuates a cycle that is hard to stop. I grew up telling lie after lie - yes, my daddy was such a wonderful man, a wonderful godly man. I would do anything for my daddy. All lies. My daddy was a monster, and deep down, I was afraid of him. And I still am. 

Which is why it surprises me - that I am here. I know how to lie, and lie well. But obviously, that doesn't mean I can pick a liar. 

This morning, my husband got up from the couch and went to work. We said goodbye politely like two strangers. 

This is my new normal. 

I still don't know if my marriage can be fixed, and I am no longer sure if I want it to be. I can no longer make my marriage just survive on hope. 

We will be living together as a couple (at least outwardly, and particularly for the kids) for at least the next few months - but it is up to him, what if anything, happens after that. 

And please if you are my family - no judgement, no pity. Not a word, unless I bring it up - and never a mention with the kids around.



Anonymous said...

Do whatever is right for you. ((HUGS))

biojen said...

Gah - I'm sorry, Jo. None of this shit is easy and it seems like something should be. I've been thinking a lot lately that my marriage is headed this way. I can't quite make myself bring it up with my husband, which is why it is not on my blog. I hope we are both wrong and these things can be fixed. More honestly, I hope we get whatever makes us happiest with the least amount of collateral damage. I suppose that's all we can ask for. Hang in there and do whatever you need to do - only you know what is best.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Jo. The first two commenters are exactly right, you have to do what is best for you. Because when it comes down to it, you are the most important. If your husband isn't willing to work on your marriage and you're not happy, find a way to be happy. Life isn't worth living if we're not happy! I hope you can be happy.

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

I'm so sorry. Hoping you find some peace in this tough situation.

Laura said...

I am so sorry, Jo. :(

Anonymous said...

dear jo,

i'm a longtime lurker; i've never commented before but there was a heartbreak in your post that moved me to tears.

i am so, so, so sorry for the challenges you find yourself facing. i hope that you find peace and the restoration of your heart. (those are the words that came to me; they look a little funny but i hope you get what i mean.)


Heather said...

Just wanted to say - hope you are ok, and thinking of you (from lost and found). I know you will find a way out of this mess and muddle into a new place of peace. Hugs, Heather

amy said...

Hi, I've popped in a few times but after seeing this on lfca I wanted to come offer you some support. I'm going through something similar and my husband moved out a few months ago. I'm here if you ever want to chat.

Anonymous said...

Here from LCFA and wanted to offer up some support. I'm so so sorry that you're going through this right now. My husband and I went through a really super rough patch as well, so I definitely know those feelings (do I even *want* this to work?)....it's such a difficult spot to be in. Sending vibes that you're able to continue taking care of yourself the best way you can.

Jem said...

Jo, I understand where you are coming from. Mr. Jem keep pulling the same BS time and time again. All we can do is keep stating our needs in a way they can hear.

The question is: what's our line in the sand?

Here from LFCA

No judgment, no pity!! Just love and support.

Marianne said...

Here from LFCA to tell you how sorry I am.

Pschall said...

I am sorry, Jo. I cannot imagine the heartbreak you are going through. I have never been married--engaged twice--but never married. I do know, though, that being betrayed by lies of someone you thought you knew hurts like hell. I hope for the best that could possibly come out of this “new normal”.


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