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Mar 2, 2011

Hopes and Plans of Honesty

First up, thanks for the lovely supportive comments. You guys rock!

Yesterday I turned 23. 23 and facing marriage breakdown. Not quite what 'the plan' was.

So where am I, in the huge mess that is my life? Well, we have a D-Day (decision date) - but apart from that, nothing. I will say he is trying really hard, but it just feels like the same old "making-up" we have always done. Not only that, but my expectations are so much higher this time - and I am not just moving on/ignoring the way I have always done.

Having a line in the sand is great, but I am terrified that when it comes down to it, I will just take the easy way out (stay). And I know regardless of whatever choice I make, I will be judged for it.

To be married when you are young (as I was), creates a lot of judgement in and of itself - from the start you are told that your marriage has a much higher chance of failing than surviving. Judge, judge. judge! It is little wonder we are here in this place with a start like that!

It is f*cking scary to be staring down the barrel of something that you have never wanted. Ever.

It is raw. It is brutal. And half the time, I walk away from any discussion we have feeling like a bitch, and feeling incredibly guilty that I cannot be the submissive (meek & quiet) wife that I was brought up to be. I can't let go of my own brain and decision-making capabilities to make my marriage last. I can't become something I am not - nor change my standards for our marriage.

I just want honesty. And I don't think that is too much to ask for. Ultimately, and if I am honest, it is what I deserve. I fought long and hard to remove myself from one poisonous, devastating relationship - I don't need to do that to myself again. I know better now. I am no longer 14 and alone.

Is there hope? There is always hope, and like I say, never say never... The door maybe slowly swinging shut, but there is still a crack of opportunity to make things right and open again.

Jo.

4 comments:

tasivfer said...

I'm sorry you have such hard times ahead! If possible try to not worry about the external stuff - how others judge you. They'd judge you if you waited 'too long' to get married to; they'd judge you no matter what. This of all times has to be about you.

Laura said...

You'll make it. I agree with tasivfer: judging is a human pastime. From me, you will get no judgment no matter what you decide.

jennl777 said...

Long time lurker, first time poster. I, too, married young despite all the naysayers. In retrospect (and I am ONLY speaking of myself here), I can't help wondering if maybe I got married to spite the naysayers. Again, though, that's ME, not you. You were a hell of a lot more sensible in your approach from everything I've read on your blog.

That said, your decision cannot be based on anyone's opinion but your own. It's your life. YOURS. If you can't make it happy, no one else can, either. I won't lie to you; even when you're as certain as you can be that you're doing the right thing by getting divorced, it's still hard. You'll always have regrets. But that IS the nature of life. It's how we learn and grow.

Take it from someone who now has nearly 20 years between the divorce and today: things absolutely, positively, WILL get better. You have more strength than you know, and you'll come out of this even stronger.

That Girl With Endo said...

I too am a 'lurker' not a poster. I really enjoy reading your blog. I have a blog award waiting for you!

http://thatgirlwithendo.blogspot.com/2011/03/versatile-versatility-versatile-blogger.html

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