First up, thanks for the lovely supportive comments. You guys rock!
Yesterday I turned 23. 23 and facing marriage breakdown. Not quite what 'the plan' was.
So where am I, in the huge mess that is my life? Well, we have a D-Day (decision date) - but apart from that, nothing. I will say he is trying really hard, but it just feels like the same old "making-up" we have always done. Not only that, but my expectations are so much higher this time - and I am not just moving on/ignoring the way I have always done.
Having a line in the sand is great, but I am terrified that when it comes down to it, I will just take the easy way out (stay). And I know regardless of whatever choice I make, I will be judged for it.
To be married when you are young (as I was), creates a lot of judgement in and of itself - from the start you are told that your marriage has a much higher chance of failing than surviving. Judge, judge. judge! It is little wonder we are here in this place with a start like that!
It is f*cking scary to be staring down the barrel of something that you have never wanted. Ever.
It is raw. It is brutal. And half the time, I walk away from any discussion we have feeling like a bitch, and feeling incredibly guilty that I cannot be the submissive (meek & quiet) wife that I was brought up to be. I can't let go of my own brain and decision-making capabilities to make my marriage last. I can't become something I am not - nor change my standards for our marriage.
I just want honesty. And I don't think that is too much to ask for. Ultimately, and if I am honest, it is what I deserve. I fought long and hard to remove myself from one poisonous, devastating relationship - I don't need to do that to myself again. I know better now. I am no longer 14 and alone.
Is there hope? There is always hope, and like I say, never say never... The door maybe slowly swinging shut, but there is still a crack of opportunity to make things right and open again.