I know, I know. I have been doing a terrible job of keeping on top of this blog.
But I have had three lovely children to drag me away from the computer screen into a world of school lunches, teddies and cubby houses made of sheets.
It has been an incredible few weeks.
Full of moments of deep and meaningful clarity
Full of moments of overwhelming panic.
Full of me being more organised than I ever thought possible.
Full of me being over organised.
I can't say it was all pretty - or that I handled the tantrum throwing child as well as I should have. But we survived.
And I loved every moment of it - even when I was at the end of my patience!
I felt so fulfilled - this is what I am good at! This is what I love doing! All I could keep thinking was - "I LOVE this".
Only to realize that they weren't mine - these beautiful children were only on loan. That infertility had removed all these amazing experiences with my OWN child out of my grasp.
You know the saying - "when god closes a door, sometimes he opens a window" ? While I don't agree with the "god part", I can definitely relate to the sentiment right now. Does that mean the hurt in my heart for what I have lost is any less? No! There will always be a part of me that yearns for a child of my own - and that will do whatever it takes to experience that. BUT - it does mean that I can still be happy with what I have. And if anything, I have more kids under my wing then I ever could if I was not infertile.
I hope I never have a child-free or child-less life. But I do live a life with infertility - a life which I would have never chosen for myself. There was a time not so long ago, where I could not have told you ONE good thing infertility has brought me - and now, I can tell you, that I have more than I could have ever expected - of both the good and the bad.