Yes, I know. Another long absence. Resounding silence from someone for whom the act of writing and expression is just part of living.
A part I have put on the back burner.
Why? For many reasons, but mostly because I was scared. I suddenly realised that my blog was becoming very well known, particularly among my friends and family. Yes, I had linked to it in my facebook, but hadn't realised the full implications of that action. Definitely naivety on my part.
That, and I have been busy. Very busy. Life has been good. I still struggle with the PTSD - still sometimes feel like I am at the bottom of a very dark hole - but I can now glimpse flashes of the light. It is amazing what a a little hope and light can do.
I like to tell myself that I have accepted a lot of the burdens life has thrown my way - that I can survive without children of my own. That I do not need to be bound to my father's actions and the impact it has had on my life. But like all things, I cannot run from them forever, and I get brought down to earth rather quickly sometimes.
Some days I just want to yell and scream at how unfair it all is, only to then feel completely ashamed of those feelings when I hear about someone else's story. But as I remind myself, that does not make my emotions, struggles, and fears any less valid. My reality is still my reality.
It is ok for me to sometimes get angry at how people can whine and bitch about fitting a child's car seat into a car when I would give anything to be needing a car seat for a child of my own.
It is ok for me to feel like a terrible mothering fraud sometimes. It is ok to have anger that I can only act the part. Because ultimately, I know that I still have an impact. I am still changing little lives, expanding horizons, teaching the lessons that need to be taught. I may not be a mother (or their mother), but I still have a part to play.
Hollow words perhaps, but I mean what I say.
Or at least, I hope I do.